I have a name that is hard to pronounce. And hard to spell. For the majority of my life, I have answered to anything: “Johanna”, “Jonah”, “Joanna”. I have been the person who most people forget, yet, ironically, I remember most people. Quietly, contemplatively, I am always people watching and remembering idle tidbits of information about someone. I am an introvert whose thoughts in my head exhaust me and I rarely share a mild portion of them in conversation with others around me.
In 2007, something changed. I became a mom. Of a special needs son. I was taught by medical staff how to be empowered. How to stand up for my child and be his voice. How to advocate for him and follow my gut instinct. All of a which I eagerly embraced. When it comes to my children, I know what my job is and I know have a valuable voice.
As a parent of a special needs child, though, I spend so much time and energy fighting for my son, that it is very easy to lose my own personal identity. I have to remind myself that I am more than just “Hayden’s Mom.” I am more than a walking computer data base of lab values, vent setting and med checklists. But then, who am I without this identity of being my son’s “Case Manager”?
Last week, I took my three boys on a walk around our neighborhood with the help of Hayden’s nurse. Hayden and his nurse were a few yards behind myself and the two younger boys. As I walked past a neighbor out in their front yard, he and I did the casual neighbor-wave-exchange move and I continued walking on. A few moments behind me, Hayden and his nurse walked by the same neighbor. Only this time, Hayden received the royal treatment, which is a wonderful thing. “How are you Hayden?! Good to see you! You’re looking great!” Then, as an afterthought, my neighbor gave a glance ahead of Hayden to where “Hayden’s Mom” was standing and then the light bulb clicked. My identifying mark is Hayden’s presence beside me. The neighbor and I then exchanged pleasantries and we all went on with our day. This scenario I described, happened twice during this one outing. It has happened countless times in numerous settings. It is a humbling experience. To know that your impression left on someone was not always strong enough to leave a mark. That you are the Robin to someone else who is Batman.
The enemy knows how to mess with me. He knows how to mess with you. You might not believe that, but it is true. The Bible tells us, “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.” – Ephesians 6:12. It is spiritual warfare. I began to allow the enemy to convince me that without Hayden I was completely unremarkable. I almost believed I had no value without this person that I invest my heart and soul into. Countless voices in my head telling me – “No one even knows how to say your name, let alone spell it.” “Your neighbors don’t even remember who you are unless Hayden is with you.” “There’s nothing you’re great at on your own. It’s only because of Hayden that you’re worth anything.”
Feeling worthy of love and yearning to be empty of shame has been a life long struggle of mine for a variety of a reasons. Because of this natural bend toward not feeling worthy of receiving love, it has always been hard for me to process the following information:
There is a Person who is straight up, head over heels in love with me. He adores me. He values everything I have to say. He is my biggest cheerleader. He knows how to pronounce my name. When He wrote my name in His book, He did not misspell it. He wants me to live with him for eternity.
I have to remember daily whose I am. I am not Hayden’s. Hayden exists separate from me. I exist separate from Hayden. I exist separate from my husband and my kids and my laundry piles and my trips to the ball field. I have to first exist in my relationship with the Lord. This needs to be my daily reminder. It is a constant battle between my flesh and my heart. The enemy is so great at convincing us that our children are our number one priority. That we need to do everything for them so they will grow up to be amazing adults and make us proud. Or maybe we are convinced our spouse needs to be our entire focus; their happiness and serving them and honoring them. Or perhaps we are just certain that our career is where our value is found. Those are all wonderful things, children, spouses, careers. But our first priority is a real, interactive relationship with God. It is why we were created.
And that is why we are miserable running from here to there and back again while we check Pinterest at red lights to make sure we are hitting the mark with our children’s birthday party decor and making certain our Fitbit has synced so we can show the world we dominated the Workweek Hustle. Those things are just not where it is at, y’all. It never will be. Maybe those are all lovely things, but that is not what it is going to be about when all is said and done.
I am preaching to myself in this post; I have got to remember that He is jealous for me. He is jealous for all of this time I wake up and only invest in others and leave Him as an afterthought. In the bestseller, “Imagine Heaven,” John Burke, makes a great connection when he says, “As God reveals to the Old Testament prophets, when we forsake our Creator to go our own way against his will, and when we love other things more than God, it breaks his heart (an idol is anything we put first before God). All the warnings of punishment and judgment for sin and rebellion in the Old Testament remind us that our actions have cause-and-effect consequences. When we turn from our Creator, we hurt God, and we hurt each other – always – even if we don’t see it yet.”
So for whoever out there, like me, can easily feel unworthy and unnoticed, there is good news.
There is a Person who is straight up, head over heels in love with you. He adores you. He values everything you have to say. He is your biggest cheerleader. He knows your name. He wants to see your name in His book. He wants you to live with Him for eternity.