Throw the Dang Seed!

I have to be honest. I’ve thought about this blog post for nearly two years. I started this draft on July 17, 2017. I wrote the title and then clicked “save” and couldn’t come back to finish the job. I’m not completely sure why I was hesitant. But the idea that I have thought about this post for 20 months, should speak to the fact that this topic is still relevant and deep in my heart.

You know the movie, “The Blind Side?” You know, when Sandra Bullock plays a feisty southern mama who is fired up when her high school son’s football coach isn’t running the ball the way he should during a game? Sandra Bullock calls the coach on his cell phone down on the field and directs him to, “RUN THE DANG BALL!” She was fed up with his trick plays and his conservative ways of coaching and she was ready to scream at him to take action and change the method of which he’d been trying to win the game.

There’s a story I’ve heard before about a farmer scattering some seeds. Usually when I hear this story spoken about, the person presenting the material goes through the different types of soil these seeds land on and the implications of the types of soil. There’s the hard soil – they hear the message but then lose it quickly, the rocky soil – they hear the message but have no roots and once a problem arises they just wilt away, the thorny soil – they hear the message and then worldly junk and desires interfere and no crop is actually produced, and finally the good soil – they hear the message and accept it and actually produce a huge harvest.

In July 2017, when once again I had heard this story from Mark 4 talked about, it was like a siren was going off in my head; but not about which kind of soil I should be. Obviously, we should all be aiming to be the good soil. We need to hear the message, accept it and then PRODUCE a huge harvest. And that got me thinking….

At some point, we have to stop being the consumer (the soil) and start being the producer (the FARMER). We live in a day and time and in a country where we want to be told which kind of soil we should be. To be reminded that we need to have perseverance and we need to not wither away when problems come and we need to not be focused on worldly “stuff” and aspirations. But, y’all, at some point, it’s time for us to THROW THE DANG SEED! We need to step up and be the farmer. We cannot make disciples if we keep playing the character of the soil in the story. We have to move out of the role of “consuming Christianity” and be the one who is throwing some seed onto the soil.

“The farmer I talked about is the one who brings God’s message to others.” – Jesus, Mark 4:14

Is that not what we’re all called to do as believers? Bring God’s message to others? To go and make disciples? Yet it seems that often we show up to church or we play a podcast or we read a self help book to learn more about OURSELVES and not OTHERS. We are trying to make sure we’re “good soil,” yet the thing that makes the soil good is that it’s producing a harvest.

I’m no professional, nor an expert on evangelizing the Gospel, but man alive, I believe you and me, we can be some extraordinary farmers! I think it takes us being sick and tired of just being the soil in the story. Let’s step into our role as the farmer. Stop “consuming” Christianity. Stop being served and start serving. Let’s believe that we can meet people where they are, get to know them and their struggles and then share all that Jesus has done for them and how much He loves them. Let’s bring the message of God to others.

And if you needed to hear it, the message is that God loves you (in fact, literally could not love you any more than He already does) and that when you were separated from Him because of your sin, He made a way through His son, Jesus (He literally could not give you any greater of a gift than He already has). And the solution to your separation from Him could not be any simpler than it is – it’s simply believing in Him and trusting in Jesus alone as your only way to heaven. I realize that’s a quick, two sentence explanation of Jesus, but I’m so excited to THROW THE DANG SEED that all I need is two sentences and a couple of parenthesis to get it out of my hand and onto some soil.

I love you so much, I want to throw seeds at you and smack you in the face with them. 😉 What a compliment! As always, I am available and willing to answer other questions or go deeper than this platform allows, so please reach out if you want to know more about Christ and how He sustains me daily in circumstances that could destroy me.

johnna@johnnahensley.com

Like a Sore Thumb

It’s sports season again in our household – and you know what that means. Me and thousands of my closest friends will come out in droves to frequent the local public school gyms to watch our kids show of their skills they have honed in the hourly practice of the week. Honestly, it’s adorable to see little kids in matching uniforms trying their hardest to make a slam dunk – or just make a basket into the right team’s hoop.

Even though he hates it, we make Hayden come with us to at least a few sporting events per season to show support for his brothers. Heaven knows I have spent many years dragging his brothers to appointments they did not want to go to, so Hayden can do his brothers a solid and attend an event or two and show support. We are a family. That is what families do – they go to events they don’t care about and put on a smile and suck it up and deal… then their therapist thanks me later for the unending material. 😉

The part I hate the most, though, actually takes place well before I enter the building. It’s the PARKING LOT nightmare! Recently, there was a tournament going on for both of our younger boys and we had to split up the parenting duties. My husband had our two boys with him and I had Hayden with me. I had stayed back home to complete Hayden’s morning treatments and bowel management routine, missed the first games and then Hayden and I were planning to meet up with the rest of our family at the gym.

The two of us pulled into the parking lot in our handicap plated, beaten up, wheel chair deploying van looking for that “golden ticket” of a handicap spot with the lines painted on the right hand side of the parking spot for our ramp to deploy. I call this spot the “golden ticket” because without those lines in the correct spot, Momma has to back “the beast” in to a non-ideal spot to get the ramp to deploy with enough space, and no one wants to endure that fiasco of backing into a parking spot, let’s just all be honest.

This particular [insanely windy] day, there were NO handicap spots available at all! No “golden tickets,” no spots near the end of a row I could make do with, nothing, nada, zilch! So I had to park wayyyyyy back in the lot and deploy the ramp there and then push Hayden from back there. Obviously, the basketball game was over when we made it to the front door of the school. (Did you really expect this story to go any other way?? ha!)

But that experience got me thinking – wouldn’t it have been so much easier if the parking spot I needed was just like what everyone else was using? Just a plain Jane, run of the mill parking spot. No particulars necessary. No need to stand out like a sore thumb and have only a specific handful of spots that would work? But that’s not our lot… Hayden and I, we were destined to drive around and forced to be picky about where we landed. We have to have special license plates, even, granting us permission to park in the “special areas.” And I’ll tell you, for an introvert trying to fly [quietly] under the radar, parking lots just make me sweat. Profusely. (And I’ll save my anger issues for those citizens who take advantage of handicap parking spots for another post or, perhaps, for my tell all book….)

Here’s the deal, though. I was called to stand out. I was called to NOT match all the other cars in the parking lot. To not blend in so nicely. The parking lot was full of people just blending in and not sticking out. All the cars look the same, park the same, and fit between two beautiful and straight white lines. But not my car. You can spot my car from afar. Special license plates in a special area of every parking lot with crazy diagonal lines all over the place and signs posted that essentially read, “Look out world! Something different is headed your way!”

But you know what? If you’re following Jesus, He told you to stand out too. Me and you. We have got to be the salt and the light of this world. We cannot go through life just blending in with everyone else, flying under the radar. He did not call us to that. He did not tell us to do our best to blend in and find a place in this world that’s just perfectly easy and laid out, and then land there and never look back. What in our daily lives is making us look contrary from the entire world? Something about us needs to be screaming, “Look out world! Something different is headed your way!”

I am so thankful to be in a life and in a set of circumstances that FORCE me to stand out because it makes it so much easier. It almost feels like I was gifted the easier version of “Salt and Light 101.” If these difficult circumstances that I wake up to everyday make it easier for me to stand out in the world and to point others to Christ, then I welcome this scenario. And once I am out of my comfort zone, it is so much easier to look around and find even more ways to keep standing out in this world. I do not want to conform to the world. I want to look like the opposite of the world so that others might see me, struggling in the wind to unbuckle my son’s wheel chair from the van floor and rush into a basketball gym only to miss a game, and go, “What is the deal with this girl? Something is different here – Who is giving her this joy and resilience that not even a rough Saturday morning in the suburbs has the ability to dim her light?”

And I want that for you, friend. Because the joy isn’t in the perfect circumstances; the joy is in Jesus.

“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden.  Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 1In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.” – Matthew 5:14-16

‘Tis the Season

It May. Mayhem, if you ask me. So many school events, class parties, teacher appreciation events, baseball games, graduations. You name it; it’s happening. And all within a five day span it feels like. Next week, my youngest son graduates from Pre-K. Tonight, my middle son completed his second year of Royal Ambassadors (a Wednesday night missions program at our church). In a couple of weeks, Hayden’s former 5th grade public school classmates will be celebrating their final walk through their elementary school halls. Obviously, as a homeschooler now, Hayden won’t be participating in those activities with his 5th grade class. He didn’t participate tonight in the RA banquet at church. He doesn’t fit any certain mold. When Hayden entered the world, in fact, the mold was crushed and obliterated. He is his own person. And we are grateful. But also, we are sad.

It’s hard to sit and watch Hayden’s peers move on in life. We always knew, theoretically, that this would become our reality. And ever so slowly, it has unfolded. This season of the year is just a time when it is on the forefront, rapidly playing out before us. Even if Hayden had remained in public school, he would not find joy in the celebration taking place for his peers. If Hayden had continued in RAs at church this year, he couldn’t have endured the banquet and all of the clapping – in fact, he stayed in the lobby with his attendant and cried because he could hear the applause through the wall and it was upsetting to him.

Oftentimes, I feel like I’m a mom with two families. I have a family of a husband and two healthy [albeit, wild] boys. We go to baseball games and cheer on our boys, we drop off our boys to their Sunday school class and leave them, free as a bird, we even sometimes go on vacations just the four of us and have a carefree, restful time. I also have a family of a husband and a special needs son. We go to doctor appointments and Operating Rooms and we cheer on our boy, we drop our boy off to his attendant at Sunday school and then keep our phones close by just in case the oxygen tank needs to be exchanged or his trach comes out, we sometimes go on trips to hotels with our boy so that he can work behind the front desk and make hotel key cards to add to his obsessive collection. Yet everyday, simultaneously, I am both moms.

The sting of watching my life as a mom not look the way I had always pictured it, doesn’t ever go away. Some days are easier than others and the grief is so faint and so small in my heart that I nearly forget it’s there. And other days, it’s so big and painful I’m not sure how I will get through it. And that is ok. Grief is a part of this journey. I’m in good company with my grief. In fact, Jesus Himself was a “man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.”  (Isaiah 53:3)

I’ve been working with my counselor over the last couple of years and I know myself better, I know how to handle stress and grief better. But mostly, I know my God better. This past decade of living life as “Hayden’s mom” has opened my eyes to so many incredible, priceless lessons. I’ve seen God’s hand work in unbelievable ways. I’ve been gifted this opportunity to walk alongside and just watch His amazing plan play out. However, most recently, over the last two years, my heart has been attuned to not just God’s plans, but God Himself. To really understand the love He has for me, to believe just how loved I am, and to accept how He sees me has been the highlight of my life’s journey. I heard a quote from Bob Goff once that said, “Jesus is nuts about you! Your picture is in His wallet.” What a great illustration! The creator of the entire universe is really, really crazy about you.

See, when Jesus came to this earth to walk as a man, He experienced the same things we do. Grief, betrayal, sadness, exhaustion, hunger, thirst. And He overcame it all through His death and resurrection. And now, I have complete hope in Jesus. I know exactly what my future will look like. I know what restoration will come. And I know what true love feels like. And when you’re loved like crazy by your Creator, you are free indeed; free from the bondage of grief.

“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” John 8:36

No Refunds or Exchanges

You know how some stores have strict and sometimes even nonexistent refund policies? “All Sales Final” posted in the window means, if you plan to shop, you better love what you get and be prepared to stick with it, because there are no take backs.

That’s parenthood, isn’t it? You have a kid and all of a sudden you’re in a situation where, “You get what you get, and you don’t throw a fit.” My special needs son is now ten. And he is my first born. So up until Hayden entered my life a decade ago, I didn’t know anything about even being a parent, let alone a parent to a special needs child.

Now this post isn’t a pity party. (I do have pity parties on rare occasions and the guest list is quite small, reserved seating only for those closest to the madness. In fact, my first pity party was held in the Postpartum unit at St. Luke’s Hospital in Houston in 2007. My mother in law and I were the only attendees and we held the pity party in the hallway while walking the unit, post surgery, trying to prevent blood clots and building up my strength. We took a moment right near the “healthy babies” in the nursery window to bawl our eyes out, right along with the babies, as we thought of how much we wished Hayden was with us instead of in an ICU in the hospital next door.)

I write a lot about how I had no comparison to what “normal” should be when Hayden was born. I count that a blessing. I didn’t know any differently and I just did what needed to be done. However, due to my own blissful ignorance, I have had moments of enlightenment mixed with grief. I remember back when Hayden was about two and half or three, I was by myself visiting a friend who had a child just a few months older than Hayden. This friend and I were seated on her couch and she asked her three year old, “Bring Mommy the phone.” And he did it. Like, he heard her. He processed the request. He used his legs and went over and retrieved the item she needed. And he brought it to her. Just like that! In that moment, I just froze and stared in amazed bewilderment. Is this what kids can do?? Is this what Hayden would do if he could? She didn’t even have to lay out the steps one by one. She didn’t have to give him two choices of which item she needed. She didn’t have to put him on a scooter board, prone, and make sure he was secured so he could pull himself to the item. This was the most amazing thing I had ever seen a kid do!

There was another time, I was out of town for a conference and I stayed the night with some friends of ours who had two kids, probably around the ages of 5 and 1. They had cooked a lovely dinner and the five of us sat down to eat. We each sat in our spot, the kids fed themselves and no one’s oxygen monitor indicated a desaturation, no one needed suctioning; we just sat there and ate. And afterward the kids took a bath and went to sleep. Then there was free time. I do not exaggerate when I say I literally, felt like I was in a resort. No one needed an hour’s worth of treatments before bed, no one needed to have their meds drawn up, there was no troubleshooting of ventilators and concentrators, and after the kids were asleep no one had to prepare tomorrow’s blenderized foods and draw up food bags. It was incredible. And I do not say that to discount parenting typical children who are 5 and 1! That is hard work, too! I have other kids who are typical and I know there are challenges with every child. It’s just that my observations of this family revealed what “normal” would look like.

Even now, as my son is ten and his peers are staying home alone for small amounts of time, my mind is just BLOWN. How is this happening?! Every day that passes, more shots of grief strike at random times when I least expect them. A scroll through my Facebook feed recently revealed nearly the whole 5th grade class went to a sleep away camp together for three days. As all the proud mommas posted pictures of their child’s send off to camp, inside I ached as a knife twisted my heart. I know my son won’t be able to do everything like everyone else his age. (Heck, at this point he homeschools anyway so this particular trip wasn’t even an option for him as he’s not enrolled in that school anymore – but it’s just the principle of the whole matter.) And then my inner voice starts to get frustrated that other moms get to post their pictures while I sit and ponder, “Do they even know how I feel? How hard this is for me? How lucky they are?” It’s like this selfish indignation that occasionally rears its ugly head.

You know, as many “cons” that I could list and dwell on, if I allowed myself to do so, there are more “pros” than I could probably ever count. Yes, I have had to deal with changing diapers and cleaning up poop for a solid decade and counting. I’ve watched my son miss out on events and experiences. I’ve had to neglect my other two typical sons and watch them struggle as they yearn for my attention. I mourn often of what our “normal” family would have looked like and how different things would have been. However, the people we have met on this journey – other special needs moms, Special Ed teachers, precious doctors and nurses, celebrities like Pat Sajak and Vanna White and John Cena, – the experiences we have had as a family like participating in a Make a Wish trip, watching Hayden develop and grow in his own skin and becoming a self proclaimed “VIP”, and developing friendships with people we never would have met like Aaron Watson, Cal Johnson, Kathleen Barkley, our town’s mayor and so many more, are all things I would never want to have missed out on. Mostly, the biggest “pro” to top the list is that we have a true perspective of LIFE. We have a fresh opportunity every single day to live out sacrificial love. I will never look at situations, circumstances, or “stuff” the same way. And that is because I was given Hayden, to be mine.

There’s a Southern Gospel song that I absolutely love whose lyrics speak truth to me. “I Wouldn’t Take Nothin’ for My Journey Now” says,

“I’ve had a lot of heartache and I met a lot of grief and woe
But when I would stumble then I would humble down
And there I’d say, I wouldn’t take nothin’ for my journey now”

This journey isn’t something I would have picked for myself, but it is undoubtedly one I would never trade. The lessons and experiences from this life are priceless, but ultimately, the reason I would never trade it, is because I have grown closer to Jesus BECAUSE of my circumstances. And for that I am so, so grateful to be in this place that is difficult, exhausting, and unfair. It’s in this place that I am humbled to look UP to Him and praise His name for His sovereign plan and for the gift of salvation that He offers to us all. Because of what He has done for us, by dying on the cross, we can all have hope of eternity with Him.

“That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are quite small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us an immeasurably great glory that will last FOREVER! So we don’t look at the troubles we can see right now; rather, we look forward to what we have not yet seen. For the troubles we see will soon be over, but the joys to come will last forever.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

It’s impossible for me to read those words and not tear up. God is so gracious to have given us Jesus to make a way for us to have hope. And so during my circumstances, that I wasn’t wise enough to even know I needed, I look to Him and am eager for an eternity with Him. I trust Him completely and I know that none of this world is about me – it is about HIM and spreading God’s glory throughout all of the world. I am incredibly honored and blessed that we get to do just that in the even tiniest way, by using our situation to continue to give glory to God.

If you don’t have that relationship with Jesus, or if you have questions about how to develop such a relationship and feel secure in your eternity, as always, please reach out to me or a local church. My contact information can be found under the “About” tab on this blog.

I’ll sum up with this line from a friend of Hayden’s, Aaron Watson. “No it won’t all go the way that it should, but I know the heart of life is good.”

What Are You Even Saying?

In this world and in this life I live, I find my hope in Christ alone. People who are close to me have heard me talk about being #RaptureReady. In my circle of Christian friends I’ve heard people use the phrase “Come quickly, Jesus,” after insane world events or other disasters. I long for the day Jesus will come quickly and put an end to all of this madness and evil and sin. However, I started to wonder if there are people out there who don’t know why Christians make statements like this.

I can’t speak on behalf of all Christians everywhere or about all the different theologies and beliefs out there; I can only speak to my own walk with the Lord. I know this world is not my home. My home is in heaven because I am a follower of Christ and have a personal relationship with Him, one He initiated with me and that I accepted from Him through faith. And through that same faith, I trust completely that this world is not all there is for me. One day, this lifetime here will be a far off distant, foggy dream. “Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will give us later.” Romans 8:18

The Bible tells us that this earth will end one day; this earth will be destroyed and a new heaven and a new earth will be created – (“Then the heavens will pass away with a terrible noise, and everything in them will disappear in fire, and the earth and everything on it will be exposed to judgment.” 2 Peter 3:10, “Heaven and earth will disappear, but my words will remain forever.” Luke 21:33, “Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the old heaven and the old earth had disappeared. And the sea was also gone.” Revelation 21:1, and many other verses…)

To get down to the basics of it, one day the earth will end. But before this earth ends, we will have signs to look for to know that time is winding down. And as we see the time winding down, from the signs described to us in the Bible, the church looks for Christ’s return to take His believers home. “You should look forward to that day and hurry it along – the day when God will set the heavens on fire and the elements will melt away in the flames. But in keeping with his promise we are looking forward to a new heaven and a new earth, where righteousness dwells.”  2 Peter 3:12-13

The reason we can look forward to that, is because as believers we know we will spend eternity in heaven with the Lord. And for that reason alone, I am able to get up every morning and do the work that has been assigned to me during my time here. “Since everything around us is going to melt away, what holy, godly lives you should be living!” 2 Peter 3:11

It is not easy and there is suffering. Jesus said that and was very upfront about it – that following Him meant there would be suffering and pain, but that we should rejoice in the suffering because it is for the Kingdom’s cause. We should embrace suffering. That’s not a very popular concept in this day and age. We want comfort and ease and success and “stuff”. But it’s all going to burn one day. The only thing you can take with you is the work you did for the Lord. “And even we Christians although we have the Holy Spirit within us as a  foretaste of future glory, also groan to be released from pain and suffering. We, too, wait anxiously for that day when God will give us our full rights as his children, including the new bodies he has promised us.” Romans 8:23

See, there’s not going to just be a new heaven and a new earth. There will a new body. Which is why I know without a shadow of a doubt that my son will one day never need his wheel chair again. It’s a temporary accessory that will one day burn up with this earth. But my son’s spirit and soul and brand new body will live for eternity with Christ because of the tremendous gift Christ offered to us. To all of us. For free – you just have to accept it. This earth has an expiration date, and if you can’t tell that time here is getting shorter and shorter, I’m not sure what else will wake you up. I know we’re supposed to be politically correct and let everyone do their own thing, but I love you too much to not tell you about Christ and how much He flipping loves you and wants you to be with Him in eternity! “The Lord isn’t really being slow about his promise to return, as some people think. No, he is being patient for your sake. He does not want anyone to perish, so he is giving more time for everyone to repent.” 2 Peter 3:9

If you’re not a believer, hop onto BibleGateway.com and read some of the Word or send me an email with your address and I will send you a Bible. If you want to repent of your sins and walk with the Lord (please note, I did not say be perfect – but walk with Him and have Him guide you), then pray to Him and just call out to Him. If you want a person to talk to or ask questions to, I now make myself available to you. This post is different from my usual post, but it’s just down to the heart of it. I could beat around the bush, but at the end of the day, and of the world, I just want you to know that God loves you, sent His son Jesus to take the punishment for your sins and He can redeem you if you just ask Him.