I currently find myself with quite a rare gift upon me. I’m in my house with only Hayden. No nurse. No other kids. No spouse. Just Hayden. And he’s sleeping. As an introvert, the pulse of our family unit haunts me. Constant people, commotion, chaos. And no way around it. It’s just the collateral damage of this life.

If you are an introvert, let me see if I can make you squirm in your seat. You ready? It’s going to hurt. Because I am a homeschool mom (my choice, I know), I am always with my kids. But they’re MY kids and so if I end up in an argument with a three year old, that’s my business. However, because one of my kids is significantly special needs, he qualifies for nursing help 168 hours a week. That’s all the hours in a week, if you didn’t know. All of them. Every. Single. One of them. You hear me, introverts? ALL. All the ones when you want to walk around the house in your sweats and no bra. The ones when you and your husband get in a fight about which one of you said they would pick up some bread. The hours when your kids are off the chain and you’re not sure if you should have them or yourself committed. The hours when your phone rings and it’s your mom calling with a personal family matter to discuss. All of the hours that you treasure dearly and need to sit quietly in your own space to recharge. They’re gone. Life took those hours away from you and instead gave you a constant turn over of staff in your home whose sole purpose of coming to your home is to make a sustainable income. Your home – your sacred haven of respite and peace, where you recharge – is their “office.” It’s where they get their insurance benefits and rack up PTO. How do you balance this?

I want to be clear, although I’m an introvert, I don’t hate [all] people 😉 **little introvert humor for my friends who feel me** I enjoy being with people and I love having meaningful conversations with people. But I can only handle so much until I need a minute to refill my tank. And the refill station is what has been out of order in my home. I LOVE having our nursing help. I LOVE the work our home health therapists do for Hayden. I LOVE that there are people who love and care for my son and my family as much as I do. I really do. This is NOT a burn on them. This is a statement that there is a cost to having help and it’s one that until you’re living it 168 hours a week, you may not realize how expensive the cost is.

And so, as we are without a nurse on this particular day, the stars have aligned for me to have a [relatively….] quiet home (I still hear the hum of the ventilator through the baby monitor and the drone of the oxygen concentrator in the hallway). For this brief moment in time, I have the clarity of mind to revisit my oh-so-sporadic blog for a bit to share just a tidbit of my life with the world.

There’s no magical fix. There’s no earth shattering advice I have to offer. Just some perspective on what life is like on this side of the world. Moms like me love our children deeply. We would do anything for them to keep them safe and protected and healthy. And sometimes for us, that means just sucking it up and accepting that for this season, our homes are not 100% our own. We recognize that we live under a microscope. That perhaps although words aren’t spoken out loud, observations are made by visitors in our home who get a front row seat to some of our worst days. The days when your kids are misbehaving and fighting, the days when you feel like a loser of a mom, the days when you burn the dinner and stink up the house and are embarrassed, and the days you lock yourself in your room to cry on the floor in peace for just a quick minute before you rally and go back into battle.

Yet even in the chaos, I am completely convinced that this circumstance and this assignment has been given to me by the Almighty and in His infinite wisdom He has appointed to me this amazing responsibility and gift. There is a tension that it is ok to sit in for a bit; the tension of having a rough day but also trusting completely that God has orchestrated and put this scenario in place perfectly for His glory. And at the end of the day, I give Him the praise for this unique perspective and for this daily struggle because through it all, it draws me closer to Him and refines me to make me more like Jesus. And I’m just hardheaded enough that I’m sure He needed to pull out the big guns for someone as stubborn as me. 🙂

I read a quote today from Tony Evans in his new commentary, “The Tony Evans Bible Commentary.” In Genesis 32, Jacob wrestles with God, has his hip injured which results in a limp and is then renamed Israel. Tony said, “Jacob’s life would never be the same, because he was now limping because of his hip. This suggests that any man God blesses will possess a limp. God will create something in that person’s life that makes him despair of his own strength and lean on the Lord’s instead.” Amen and amen! God bless the limp that He gave me, for from it, I am blessed and know Him.